Auntzilla!!!

So….a cousin and I were having a silly, no-point discussion and then the third entered and just said few simple words “you both have become such aunties” then, I tried to bully him with no satisfactory results!!!

But it got me thinking, what defines to be an aunty – when you share your everyday menu? Spend considerable amount of your time in the kitchen, cooking, scrubbing, cleaning, and washing? Is it when your age starts to get into mind boggling figures of 30 and above or is it when your waist line is above 34?

After some thinking and putting my teensy-weensy brain cells to work, I comprehended that, it is when:

·         You see these absolutely beautiful, awe striking hugeee houses and the first things you wonder about is –“how do they maintain it?”, “how do they manage when the maid takes an off??” and “how do they afford their EMIs???”……and then slowly comes in the admiration for the architectural intelligence :D

·         Tea is more of a chore than a refreshing hot beverage!

·         You feel sad when your husband works on a day off, but are shattered when your maid takes an off!

·         You hear a new-age concept like a live-in or witness a funky hairdo, your immediate reaction is rocking your head sideways in disappointment and then think “I might take a whole lifetime to recover if my kids get there”

·         You look at teenage kids hanging around jobless and instead of thinking “been there, done that” you end up thinking “when do they do their homework???”

·         You almost do a serious penance every single day, but break each self-made rule by having an opinion about anything that crawls/walks/breathes!!!!

But the commonestttt of all is, that something somewhere breaking inside of you into a million pieces every time you hear someone call you “aunty-aunty-aunty”

Regardless of alllll and more of the above – there are the YO aunties and there are the sad aunties – without any further notes on this – I am the former!!!

The Phenomenon of Disrememberance!!!!!!

My husband forgot ME – yes, not a wallet, not keys, not a laptop, not some paper but ME, the living, walking, forever talking ME!!! How did this not-so-common marvel ensue?????

It was the last day of our 9 year old extremely lucky and long-suffering vehicle and we were all emotional about its parting, understandably he was much much more attached to it than I was, to an extent that, I had a preview of what could happen if we had a daughter and my husband had to see her off to someplace else!!! So, getting back to why I started……The previous evening we had decided we would drop-off the kid at school and then after a small drive he will put me in an auto to home, as it would be our last drive in our car. So, as discussed we went to school, I got down to drop the kid indoors and talk to the teacher, I waved my little one bye promising him that I would return in couple of hours and I walked out excited to tell Ashish the reactions(as it was still early days in school), just to fathom that he was gone and so was the bag which had my phone, wallet and keys!!!!

I contemplated for a few seconds if I could take an auto to his workplace, but how would I call? If I could take an auto home, but how would I pay? Even if I borrowed the money from a neighbor – how would I get inside the house?

I considered borrowing a phone from a passerby and making a call, but for all the sham requests they get these days, the last thing I wanted then was to be looked at as a faux!! I was hoping for a known face to show up, which happens every other day but then!!! It struck me that I could go back to school and request for a call, but I had to wait for my bawling kid to go upstairs before I re-entered!! So, I finally get to the landline and it is out-of-order, I catch hold of a maid and she tries to dial his number and the key ‘3’ isn’t working and ironically Ashish’s number has like three 3’s!!!!

Finallllllyyyyyyyy I get to the point where his phone is ringing, he picks the call and says “you forgot your bag”!!!! Seriously??? I waited along for him to come back and said “I realized you forgot the bag when, I parked and was glancing at the vehicle for the last time” again SERIOUSLY??????SERIOUSLY???? And then I thought it was time that I break the appalling news to him that  it wasn’t me who forgot my priced possession but it was HE who forgot ME!!!!!! Phew!

Fuel of Life!

One normal Thursday evening I had an appointment with my gynec, she reads the reports casually, flips through some pages here and there in my file and imperturbably says “let’s get you admitted” and then there was nothing normal about that day anymore!

The following Sunday, the hospital room saw allll of my family, all nervous as I was being prepped for the surgery to follow – I was for some extremely odd reason awfully relaxed – maybe because I was ignorant about how crucial the surgery was or that I had trust in my doc or most notably because I had alllll of ‘my people’ around me and they took the nervousness away by just being there!

While my mom, my husband, my in-laws, my aunts/uncles where stressed about the surgery, I was very happy that I was being taken reverse in a wheelchair to the OT (I have this absurd penchant for anything that goes reverse – car/bike/auto)!!!

I don’t remember few hours after that, but when I was wheeled out of the OT and shifted to my bed, I could hear lot of animated tones discussing whether I knew or not….I so wanted to ask/yell but could barely find my voice and then I heard someone ask me if I knew – I gestured a big NO and then they said…….“it’s a boy” – I touched him briefly and…..in a terrifically positive way –  my world has never been the same ever since!

Initial days were of panic……I didn’t feel like a Karan Johar-movie Mother, the responsibility hit me in the face, knocked me out for couple of days and thanks to the ceaseless sleepless nights I could never figure out anything!!! Slowly, my mom and my husband got me back on track to the world of sanity and ever since it has been an enduring task to stay that way!!

As aptly said by Meryl Steep – Motherhood has a very humanizing effect, everything gets reduced to essentials!!! Extracts of my little learning:

• 
  
  

  ·         Sleeping without a break is long forgotten!

  
  

  ·         Washroom – the very going is a challenge!!

  
  

  ·         Eating without having to get up atleast once – blue moon probably occurs more often

  
  

  ·         When I want to eat something yummm and also have it ready and sometime have even started to eat, at that precise minute there will be a kid-loo-calling moment!!

  
  

  ·         When with all the care and silence I put him to bed (esp in the noon) there will be a loud knock on the door or the damn phone goes off and…..of course he is awake!

  
  

  ·         If in case you ever liked monsoons, you will dread them now because monsoon means – running nose, allergies, coughs, cold, infections!!!

  
  

  ·         I am done with all the household work that can be thought of and want to quickly take a nap beside the little one, I lie down and stretch legs starting to feel the bliss, when…..the kid’s done with his nap and is up!

  
  

  ·         In my past I was forever hooked on to the phone, now, I had couple of instances where I left my phone in a kitchen draw/refrigerator and it took me most of the day to figure it out :D

  
  

  ·         I am soo used to my tot sticking on to me, that it feels stroppy to walk bare handed anywhere!!
·         Going alone anywhere, feels like a vacation!!
 

I want to, at mostttt of these times, yell scream guts out, and am tired by the end of the day, just want to crash on the bed….. lights out and the tiny little one cuddles in, gives the sweetest little puppy on my cheek and says “dalyu mamma” (my son’s way of saying “love you mamma”) and then………you don’t mind any of it, in fact you love your day!!!

My husband once asked me how much I love my son, I was confounded he asked and all I could say was “he is a part of me”!!!!

Advices - Unlimited!!!!

Doc: You see this thing flickering? That's the heart beat :-)

Me: You mean, it's positive?

Doc: Yes Smitha, ofcourse it is!

Me to Ashish: Mere andar abhi do heart hai!!!!

Then the started the journey of hope, panic, joy, apprehensions, planning, paranoia, stress, care, morning sickness, frustrations, anticipation and numerous other humanly emotions, ofcourse followed by advices - unlimited!!

General perception: You HAVE to and CAN eat ANYTHING you wish for, all through!

Doc: Watch your weight!

Dietician: Watch your calories!

Random Aunty 1: You should eat loads of fruits, except papaya and pineapple!

Random Aunty 2: Don't eat banana - the baby's head will grow big!

Random Aunty 3: Don't eat Kala Jamun - the baby will be born dark!

Random Aunty 4: Don't eat sesame and amla!

Random Aunty 5: Don't eat custard apple!

Dietician: Eat lots and lots of green leafy vegetables

Random Aunty 6: Doctors keep saying that all the time, but don't eat Ceylon Spinach at all!!!

Random Aunty 7: Reduce spinach intake

Dietician: Avoid juices, eat whole fruits

Random Aunty 8: Drink lotsssss of juices!

(There are unlimited number of Random Aunties - contributing to the unlimited advices!)

"The news" gets everyone exciting, some get more than just excited! When they see you next, some get delirious with joy!

Random Aunty 1: When is your due date?

Me: 14th!

Random Aunty 1: Can you wait till the 23rd? Its my daughter's birthday!!

Random Aunty 2: When is your due date?

Me: 14th!

Random Aunty 2: Can you wait till 15th? He/She and I will be sharing the same birth stone!

Just to ask the excited souls - What am I supposed to postpone???? My train journey?????

Exercising is like the favourite topic for all and sundry! Ofcourse like most of other things, everyone knows everything!!

Random Aunty 1: Take stairs all the time, even if you can't force yourself! It helps!!

Random Aunty 2: DONOT take stairs, avoid them big time!

85year old uncle: You SHOULD walk, even if it rains!

Random Aunty 3: DONOT step out even if it drizzles, you don't want to slip, do you??

55 year old uncle: You HAVE to start working out immediately after, else you will have problems post 15years, I am saying this out of experience!!

Me (in my head): Experience?????? Uncle?????You are serious???

Random Uncle: Exercise is mosttt important, take five steps everyday, neither less nor more!

Me (in my head): what am I supposed to do if my I have to take more than that to reach my room? Wait for another day?????)

There are also a different category of advisors, those who I bet my life haven't followed it ever when they had to!

Random Aunty: Not eating Papaya is just a myth, you can eat one, it's very high in protien called Papain, which is good for the system.

Me: Did you have it aunty, when it was your time? (which was approx 32yrs back)

Random Aunty: No, I was consumed by the myth, but you can try!

Me (in my head): Oh really??? Why the hell would I be so adventurous to experiment with a myth older than I am??? You think I am crazy? or dumb? or both???

A neighbour who owns a gym: Never go by "you are eating for 2 funda". Just eat for yourself! You have to keep exercising, irrespective of whether you have energy or not! Blah...blah...blah...of 45minutes and then she says there will be loads of people giving you insane and unwanted advices, just ignore them!

Me (in my head): Oh yeah???? Can I ignore you??? Right away???

Cherry on the cake is this one com(pli)ment!

I happened to attend wedding of an old college friend, where I met another friend's wife

She: No kids yet?

Me: I am expecting, its the 7th month :-)

She: OHHHH! Can't really make out! :O :O

Me: Was blushing and feeling good about "maintaining" myself !!

She: This happens when you have always been plump, its difficult to say!!

Me: :-( / x-( / :-

So, thats that!!! All said and done - I can't wait for the next pregnant woman to pass on advices - solicited and otherwise!!! EHAHAHAHAHAHA - Yes, I am the next Random Aunty!!!!!

A Sunny Day Out!!!!

At one point in time, Auto was the easiest, most convenient and fastest mode of commuting for me!!! I have, at some time, believed a rick gets you faster to the destination than a car :P

After a longggg time, today I travelled almost half the city by auto!! That's when I realised so many things that I fail to notice when I drive.....what's frustrating when you drive is hilarious when you are a spectator/a passenger in an auto!!!

Snippets of the typical Hyderabad traffic:

• Bullock cart on the extremeee right lane, which supposedly is the 'fast lane'
• A fully loaded RTC bus, sincerely taking the left lane and leaving the entire right lane empty, BUT still a scooter-ist hopelessly tries to overtake the bus from the left :D
• Its a routine by the day to witness conituous, impatient honking at the traffic signal, especially when there is a 'stop' light - but I saw this one kid on a bicycle honking a BMW in a way to say "MOVE IT" - EHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
• MCH tank watering all plants in the world in peak traffic area, under the scorching heat, slowwlly moving around - in the right lane!!
• Road Sweeping Truck which is awfully slow, sweeping away the roads in peak traffic hours, in the busiest of roads and on the narrowest of flyovers!!

Exceptionally hot weather, equally dusty, thoroughly polluted roads, a total wrong time to travel in an auto - yet - it was FUN!

The Bond!!!

Conversation 1
Him: I think I am for ‘it’
Me: You “think”?
Him: Ok – I am for ‘it’
Me: Same Pinch!!

Conversation 2:
Him: So, what do you want for dinner?
Me: Something Niceee
Him: Like?
Me: Something spicy, yummy, crunchy, something realllyyy nice (already drooling)
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Him: Simple Dal and rice

Conversation 3:
Him: Let’s go for a walk!
Me: NOW?
Him: Yeah, kyon thak gayi ho kya?
Me: Its 1:30AM!!!!!!

I am so glad we made “it” happen! May this craziness never ever ever stop!

Happy Anniversary you kuku fellow!

Trick the Dumb!!!

“An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded” – Unknown!

Yes – I have been and continue to be part of the weird genus - Auditors!!!

As part of my “esteemed profession”, I get to meet quite a lot of people. People of different kinds…so different, that it amuses me at times :-O

To give some random samples of what happens in a typical everyday client facing experience of an auditor –

• When asked if they have a Disaster Recovery Procedure in place for the business, this guy (my client contact) replies “we pray” !!!!
• There was this one gentleman who addressed me as “madam” till the office hours and post that it was “beta” – so much for professionalism!!
• In yet another instance, while we were in endless discussions on the issues identified and this guy hopelessly trying to convince me to write stuff his way and frustrated with the stubborn ground I put in, said “you are a tough nut to crack” – making it just more verbal of how he deals with "the nuts” every now and then!
• Deal with a person for about a fortnight, make his life a living hell, untiringly shoot questions at him one after another and just about when you start building an acquaintance, end up with a long list of issues and tell the same fellow that he is not doing his work well enough (EHAHAHA) that’s not it –its mostttttttt embarrassing/ arduous/ uncomfortable, when I tell it to a person three times my age – he probably would have started his career when I started to walk!
• I tell a client "four out of ten things I checked was not in line with the process" and he tells me “its only 40% na, maaf kardo”!!!!
• Another client, irritated that I did not heed to his requests of changing the details to suit his convenience, calls me twice to inform, he is calling my manager – what he expects me to say is way beyond my understanding – Should I be saying (according to him) “no-no please don’t call my manager (sounding terrorized)!!!!! Du-huh!! (btw – he never called my manager!)
• This one person, after discussing a potential issue, came up with a common association we might have (ex: my mom taught in the same school as his son studied) – the more the issues, the quest to find more common associations increased!!
• One of the chaps, called his subordinate and said “these youngsters have something to say”– Ahem!
• At the end of allllllll this - almost all of them say "you can be assured to come back with the same issues in the next year" - so much for audit!!!

Sometimes in the process, we lose our individual identity I suppose. Right from the security guard, to the receptionist, to the heads of departments – we introduce ourselves as “Auditors” and we are also introduced amogst themselves as "auditors". Then, if need be comes the name!!

At times, we are the means of getting work done by the staff for the middle management and at other times, the staff would use the “auditors’ ” reference to get access to office information/gossip from the managers!

It’s funny, how we go about our work, even after knowing every person coordinating with us there loathes us with all his heart, for every smile given there is almost always an inner dialogue of hatred – yet, we flout all such feelings of despise and brazenly get going with work!

But stil we robotically go back to these people year after year after year and in between this struggle to handle all the sweet talks, the threats, the reluctance, the disgust – we end up training ourselves to handle almost all varieties human species!!!

Thus, the day ends with a smirk on either’s face and a mutual feeling – they feel they’ve tricked the dumb and vice-versa ;-) !!!